According To Candace Ray

Dear Memory Lane,

I’m fully aware that you’re not supposed to dwell on the past because you no longer live there. However, I can’t help but love the daily memories that Facebook provides. On that very day, you get to see what you were doing and with whom up to 5 years ago. It’s nice. You get to laugh, reminisce and see the progress you’ve made over the years. I took it as a good thing until…… I was reminded of how much I was annoyingly, disgustingly, completely and utterly consumed in love a while ago. I’m talking about the kind of love that makes you twist your face up and roll your eyes at a couple who’s overly affectionate and expressive about their love for one another. I mean that “STFU we all know you’re happy as hell that someone actually likes your ass enough to deal with your quirky bull%^$# every single day with a smile” type of love. It was amazing. I won’t lie about it.  I always say that if I never knew what love was before that, that relationship defined it for me.

I fully know my tolerances and intolerances from that relationship and I’m thankful for it. It’s not that I hate that we aren’t together anymore but the fact that I have nothing to follow in the last few years is what puzzles me. The thoughts in my head are becoming louder than my own voice. “Is he the best that I can do?” “Was that it?” “Did we give up too soon?” “Could we have been something great?” “Should we have made it work?” Am I ever going to be that happy again” “Is it me?” Over and over, I’m just killing myself with the questions. Truth is, I’m over that. I don’t sit with my phone in hand, messages open, ready to text him and pick up where we left off. No, thank you!

I know exactly why things didn’t work out. It’s absolutely nothing to do with any explosions or disasters. The culprit is growth. We needed to grow and in two different directions. What he wanted became completely opposite from what I wanted and instead of years of tug of war and “I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to have you,” it was best to go our separate ways. It hurt like hell but in the end I understood the separation and I can appreciate the fact that it was necessary. You never know at the moment but later on, you’ll always understand.

Every person in your life is there for a reason. Whether a lesson or blessing, there is place for every person you meet in life. He happened to be both. However, that was it. I’ve come close but no cigar. I don’t mind waiting for something epic and that’s exactly what I need. I need epic! I need authenticity, stability, endurance, patience, adoration, appreciation, capability, care, consistency, and compliancy. Yes, I know I have a laundry list but is that any different from anyone else? I’m not looking to be with someone in order not to be alone. My own company is enough for me. I’m looking to become selfless again. Never losing sight of myself but caring enough to put someone right under God in the list of my priorities. It’ll happen. When? That’s up to Jesus. I’m pretty sure he’ll send me the memo when it’s right.

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